U.S. commandos free two pirate hostages in Somalia

(Reuters)

Photo: Poagao

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Commandos have rescued pirate hostages in Somalia = Go! As macho marines set loose aid captives unharmed!

(by Tony Crafter)

GOP using Obama State of Union address to grab offensive, blame him for economy's deep woes

(Washington Post)

Photo: The White House

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GOP using Obama State of Union address to grab offensive, blame him for economy's deep woes = Ovation! As most sober Americans blame dopy toffee-nosed infamous GOP fiend, George W. Bush!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Dentist pleads guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips in root canals

(Fox News)

Photo: JaulaDeArdilla

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Dentist pleads guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips in root canals = Patients: "Dreadful!" Guy: "Ding! It's classic all-American - So opportune - did profit!"

(by Steve Allison)

Oldest dinosaur nest site found

(BBC)

Photo: dugspr

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Oldest dinosaur nest site found = Fossils in stone turned out dead!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Solar storm pelting Earth with radiation

(New York Daily News)

Photo: NASA

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Solar storm pelting Earth with radiation = Alarm? It's period to await Northern Lights!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Romney slams Gingrich as "highly erratic"

(CBS News)

Photo: DonkeyHotey

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Romney slams Gingrich as "highly erratic" = "Grr! Scam-scheming hairy gorilla! He's tiny!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Newt Gingrich is the phoniest presidential candidate ever

(New York Daily News)

Photo: patrickgensel

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Newt Gingrich is the phoniest presidential candidate ever = Elephant's sinister, pig-headed, conniving, dire-twit cheater!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Kodak pays for missing digital moment

(Financial Times)

Photo: Batara

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Kodak pays for missing digital moment = Sink? Myopia - sank! Got to, film's dead! Grim!

(by Steve Allison)

Must a captain be the last one off a sinking ship?

(BBC)

Photo: Only Tradition

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Must a captain be the last one off a sinking ship? = As a task, beneath flipping infamous Schettino!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Costa Concordia transcripts of calls between coast guard and captain: "You've abandoned ship?"

(Washington Post)

Photo: DigitalGlobe-Imagery

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Italian captain Francesco Schettino = Fatal inaction in catastrophic scene

(by Adie Pena)

Never again, says Globes host Ricky

(AP)

Photo: cranberries

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Host Ricky Gervais = His argot very sick

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Large cruise ships come with big safety concerns

(CBS News)

Photo: Nephelim

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Large cruise ships come with big safety concerns = Yes, the captain & crew - crime, forensics, big loss - UGH!

(by Steve Allison)

Stopping Indonesia's Roof Riders with Threatening Concrete Balls

(The World)

Photo: ohorella

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Stopping Indonesia's Roof Riders with Threatening Concrete Balls = Big "hit" with roof riders - one clang, last stop! Sinners repent: end! Ciao!

(by Steve Allison)

Magpies and bears mourn North Korea's 'Dear Leader', says state media

(MSNBC)

Photo: skinnylawyer

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Magpies and bears mourn North Korea's 'Dear Leader', says state media = He's dead! Animals are sorry, but modern men agree: parades, saki, toast!

(by Steve Allison)

Italy cruise ship Costa Concordia aground near Giglio

(BBC)

Photo: Il Fatto Quotidiano

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Italy cruise ship 'Costa Concordia' = Chaos, corpses, a loud cry. Titanic II?

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Bacon linked to higher risk of pancreatic cancer, says report

(The Guardian)

Photo: Drunken Monkey

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Bacon linked to higher risk of pancreatic cancer, says report = A direr shocking cry! Continental breakfast's a proper choice!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Mormons feel rooted and happy, but marginalized, poll finds

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: More Good Foundation

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Mormons feel rooted and happy, but marginalized, poll finds = Oh! Man! Fold's blazoning drip Mitt Romney feels dead popular!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Doomsday Clock moves closer to midnight

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: alancleaver_2000

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The Doomsday Clock moves closer to midnight = Sod me! Cold, cold shock. Time to try saving home!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Obsessive smart phone users hear 'phantom vibrations'

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Yutaka Tsutano

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Obsessive smart phone users hear 'phantom vibrations' = The smash 'iPhonemania' proves to be a born stress virus!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Mitt Romney wins New Hampshire primary

(The Daily Mirror)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

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Mitt Romney wins New Hampshire primary = Smarmy winner in the part: "My! I worship me!"

(by Maurice Goddard)