Manchester United fan calls 999 over Nani's red card

(BBC)

Photo: Paolo Camera

United fan calls 999 over Nani red card = 99.9% accidental - darn sir an unloved ref!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Former TSA chief backs 'knife' decision; suggests axes and machetes, too

(CNN)

Illustration: billypalooza

Former TSA chief favors axes and machetes on planes = That sharp offer means dramas, an excess of violence.

(by Rosie Perera)

Monkeys 'use physics' to crack nuts

(MSN News)

Photo: Dave Keeshan

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Chemistry’s to knock up any sauces

(by Robert Jordan)

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Yes, kinky apes must crash coconut!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic

(The Independent)

Photo: BioDivLibrary

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic = Scientific thing: A tall handsome creature!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Eggs to carry religious messages

(MSN News)

Photo: realeasteregg.co.uk

Eggs to carry religious messages = Gag is: logo resurrects images, yes?

(by Robert Jordan)

'Harlem Shake' videos lead to school suspensions

(Washington Post)

Photo: gynti_46

'Harlem Shake' videos = Ah, shared moves! Like!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope

(BBC)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope = PS: A nightmare task replacing obnoxious loon Benedict!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Researchers: Toddler cured of HIV

(CNN)

Illustration: AJC1

Toddler is "functionally cured" of HIV = Doc: "Over nastily difficult hurdle, no?"

(by Rosie Perera)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube

(Yahoo!)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube = 'Tube act used very unusual skills - just boggles one's mind!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital

(BBC)

Photo: Breen's Photos

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital = Facing pollution's damn hated snags: Scram!

(by Maurice Goddard)

The 'Unsinkable' Titanic II

(Yahoo! News)

Illustration: The Daring Librarian

The 'Unsinkable' Titanic II = Ain't, it's built in China. Eek!

(by Robert Jordan)

Jessica Ennis's Don Valley Stadium will close

(BBC)

Photo: Sam Judson

Don Valley Stadium = Sadly, I'm not valued

(by Chris Sturdy)

Benedict XVI leaves Vatican on final day as Pope

(BBC)

Art: Dan Lacey

Situation Vacant = Vatican saint out

(by Chris Sturdy)

League Cup 2013: Michael Laudrup toasts greatest career win

(BBC)

Photo: Eustaquio Santimano

Swansea Manager, Michael Laudrup = Man has real drama - wins League Cup!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Mo Farah asked by US newsreader: 'Haven't you run before?'

(The Guardian)

Photo: DancesWithLight

New Orleans Half Marathon = Mo Farah ran. He's not all new!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Pope, near abdication, says pray "for me and next pope"

(Reuters)

Photo: West Midlands Police

Pope, near abdication, says pray "for me and next pope" = O! Soap opera fit: "Pray I repent and do penance by Xmas!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Benedict XVI Formally Ends His Papacy and Leaves Vatican

(The New York Times)

Photo: Josué Canals

The Pope's resignation = He, Priest, got a pension

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Co-op to offer fair trade coffins in UK

Co-op to offer fair trade coffins in UK (Digital Spy)

Photo: ambergris

Co-op to offer fair trade coffins in UK = Function for stiff ecofreak: aid poor!

(by Robert Jordan)

Ex-Chicago area police officer gets 38 years for third wife's murder; fourth wife missing

(Reuters)

Photo: Null Value

Former Chicago-area police officer Drew Peterson = Eager crime-concealer. Proof - corpse of a third wife

(by Aronas Pinchas)

The sins of Cardinal Mahony

(Washington Post)

Photo: maveric2003

The Cardinal Roger M. Mahony = Or a horny, mating, mad lecher

(by Aronas Pinchas)