Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal

(Zee News)

Photo: Irish College

Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal = That poise! Chronic old ass icily appals in denial, alas.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal = Papist: Ooh, I call phallic scandal disease or... insanity!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Humble pope has complicated past

(CNN)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Francis, the "humble pope" = Not much belief, perhaps?

(by Rosie Perera)

Chewing gum 'aids concentration'

(Evening Standard)

Photo: tim ellis

Chewing gum 'aids concentration' = Nicotine gum's detaching a crown

(by Robert Jordan)

Obama Invites Republicans to Dinner in Bid to Renew Negotiations

(The San Francisco Chronicle)

Photo: The White House

Obama Invites Republicans to Dinner = President values brain-combination

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Wrigley to sell caffeinated chewing gum

(CNN)

Photo: Glyn Lowe Photoworks

Wrigley to sell caffeinated chewing gum = Now I can get effects legally: I'm wired. Ugh!

(by Rosie Perera)

A blackberry? It's a phone, isn't it...

(The Daily Express)

Photo: Capture Queen

A blackberry? It's a phone, isn't it... = Rabbit hasn't pointy, ickle ears

(by Robert Jordan)

North Korea vows end to nonaggression pacts after UN vote

(CNN)

Photo: CTBTO

North Korea vows end to nonaggression pacts = Danger grows, soon attack on environs. Stop, eh!

(by Rosie Perera)

Looking for a Date? Pick a Sunny Day

(The Wall Street Journal)

Photo: Dahl-Face Photography

Looking for a Date? Pick a Sunny Day = Spy an idea for knocking out a lady?!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Manchester United fan calls 999 over Nani's red card

(BBC)

Photo: Paolo Camera

United fan calls 999 over Nani red card = 99.9% accidental - darn sir an unloved ref!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Former TSA chief backs 'knife' decision; suggests axes and machetes, too

(CNN)

Illustration: billypalooza

Former TSA chief favors axes and machetes on planes = That sharp offer means dramas, an excess of violence.

(by Rosie Perera)

Monkeys 'use physics' to crack nuts

(MSN News)

Photo: Dave Keeshan

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Chemistry’s to knock up any sauces

(by Robert Jordan)

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Yes, kinky apes must crash coconut!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic

(The Independent)

Photo: BioDivLibrary

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic = Scientific thing: A tall handsome creature!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Eggs to carry religious messages

(MSN News)

Photo: realeasteregg.co.uk

Eggs to carry religious messages = Gag is: logo resurrects images, yes?

(by Robert Jordan)

'Harlem Shake' videos lead to school suspensions

(Washington Post)

Photo: gynti_46

'Harlem Shake' videos = Ah, shared moves! Like!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope

(BBC)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope = PS: A nightmare task replacing obnoxious loon Benedict!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Researchers: Toddler cured of HIV

(CNN)

Illustration: AJC1

Toddler is "functionally cured" of HIV = Doc: "Over nastily difficult hurdle, no?"

(by Rosie Perera)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube

(Yahoo!)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube = 'Tube act used very unusual skills - just boggles one's mind!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital

(BBC)

Photo: Breen's Photos

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital = Facing pollution's damn hated snags: Scram!

(by Maurice Goddard)

The 'Unsinkable' Titanic II

(Yahoo! News)

Illustration: The Daring Librarian

The 'Unsinkable' Titanic II = Ain't, it's built in China. Eek!

(by Robert Jordan)

Jessica Ennis's Don Valley Stadium will close

(BBC)

Photo: Sam Judson

Don Valley Stadium = Sadly, I'm not valued

(by Chris Sturdy)