Nighttime trips to the loo 'reduce productivity during the day'

(The Independent)

Photo: thejbird

Nighttime trips to the loo 'reduce productivity during the day' = Cited truth might not pity nocturia? Old gits did pee every hour!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Pope delights crowd of 150,000 in first balcony blessing

(The Sun)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Photos show new Pope Francis I waving to the crowd from the central balcony of St. Peter's Basilica = Worshippers clap, chat, wait below to see chosen pontiff's vocal show bit, "Don't Cry for me Argentina."

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal

(Zee News)

Photo: Irish College

Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal = That poise! Chronic old ass icily appals in denial, alas.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Paedophilia is an illness, says top Catholic Cardinal = Papist: Ooh, I call phallic scandal disease or... insanity!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Humble pope has complicated past

(CNN)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Francis, the "humble pope" = Not much belief, perhaps?

(by Rosie Perera)

Chewing gum 'aids concentration'

(Evening Standard)

Photo: tim ellis

Chewing gum 'aids concentration' = Nicotine gum's detaching a crown

(by Robert Jordan)

Obama Invites Republicans to Dinner in Bid to Renew Negotiations

(The San Francisco Chronicle)

Photo: The White House

Obama Invites Republicans to Dinner = President values brain-combination

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Wrigley to sell caffeinated chewing gum

(CNN)

Photo: Glyn Lowe Photoworks

Wrigley to sell caffeinated chewing gum = Now I can get effects legally: I'm wired. Ugh!

(by Rosie Perera)

A blackberry? It's a phone, isn't it...

(The Daily Express)

Photo: Capture Queen

A blackberry? It's a phone, isn't it... = Rabbit hasn't pointy, ickle ears

(by Robert Jordan)

North Korea vows end to nonaggression pacts after UN vote

(CNN)

Photo: CTBTO

North Korea vows end to nonaggression pacts = Danger grows, soon attack on environs. Stop, eh!

(by Rosie Perera)

Looking for a Date? Pick a Sunny Day

(The Wall Street Journal)

Photo: Dahl-Face Photography

Looking for a Date? Pick a Sunny Day = Spy an idea for knocking out a lady?!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Manchester United fan calls 999 over Nani's red card

(BBC)

Photo: Paolo Camera

United fan calls 999 over Nani red card = 99.9% accidental - darn sir an unloved ref!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Former TSA chief backs 'knife' decision; suggests axes and machetes, too

(CNN)

Illustration: billypalooza

Former TSA chief favors axes and machetes on planes = That sharp offer means dramas, an excess of violence.

(by Rosie Perera)

Monkeys 'use physics' to crack nuts

(MSN News)

Photo: Dave Keeshan

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Chemistry’s to knock up any sauces

(by Robert Jordan)

Monkeys use physics to crack a nut = Yes, kinky apes must crash coconut!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic

(The Independent)

Photo: BioDivLibrary

Giant camel fossil unearthed in the Arctic = Scientific thing: A tall handsome creature!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Eggs to carry religious messages

(MSN News)

Photo: realeasteregg.co.uk

Eggs to carry religious messages = Gag is: logo resurrects images, yes?

(by Robert Jordan)

'Harlem Shake' videos lead to school suspensions

(Washington Post)

Photo: gynti_46

'Harlem Shake' videos = Ah, shared moves! Like!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope

(BBC)

Photo: Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Cardinals in Rome begin talks about choosing next Pope = PS: A nightmare task replacing obnoxious loon Benedict!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Researchers: Toddler cured of HIV

(CNN)

Illustration: AJC1

Toddler is "functionally cured" of HIV = Doc: "Over nastily difficult hurdle, no?"

(by Rosie Perera)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube

(Yahoo!)

Student simultaneously juggles and solves Rubik's Cube = 'Tube act used very unusual skills - just boggles one's mind!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital

(BBC)

Photo: Breen's Photos

Smog and sandstorm engulf China's capital = Facing pollution's damn hated snags: Scram!

(by Maurice Goddard)