Escaped Python In Canada Responsible For Deaths Of Two Young Boys, Police Say

(Huffington Post)

Photo: fabiogis50

Boys killed by python that escaped from pet store = Snake plotted, forcibly smothered happy tots. Bye!

(by Rosie Perera)

Washington Post Sold To Amazon's Jeff Bezos

(Huffington Post)

Photo: Mike Licht

Washington Post Sold To Amazon's Jeff Bezos = Boss's staff to adopt online jazz news? Oh, OMG!

(by Rosie Perera)

Divorce served up to Nigella in 70 seconds

(The New Zealand Herald)

Photo: 禁书网中国禁闻

Judge served up divorce to Nigella Lawson in seventy seconds = Conclude: jowled advertising envoy strangles envied spouse

(by Julian Lofts)

If T.E. Lawrence -- Lawrence of Arabia -- could see the news out of the Middle East today! A new book says he would say, "I told you so."

(WBUR)


Thomas Edward (abbreviated T.E. - Ed.) Lawrence's rather huge book "Seven Pillars of Wisdom" (a Penguin Modern Classics edition) = How brave disingenuous Christian Arabist T.E. rode camels, massed forces, won war, debated, helped king develop into realm...

(by Jason Lofts)

Clients Drop $180 for Bird Poop Facials at NYC Spa

(ABC News)

Photo: Lori Greig

Clients are dropping one hundred eighty dollars for bird poop facials at NYC spa = Snobs tried phials of nightingale crap for old, dry, ruddy appearance. Stop lie, con!

(by Jason Lofts)

Also see Snail Facial Treatment Crawls Into Japanese Clinic

Inside Assange's embassy: 'I sleep in the ladies' loos'

(News.com.au)

Photo: Takver

Inside Assange's Ecuadorian embassy: 'I sleep in the ladies' loos = Pale besieged dissident in consular oasis is alone. Yes, a shame.

(by Julian Lofts)

Bradley Manning acquitted of aiding the enemy

(Reuters)

Photo: savebradley

The mad leaker Bradley Manning's "aiding the enemy" charges have just been dropped = Gee! My God! Very hated man and super hacker learned spending jail time? Bah! He's bent!

(by Josiah Winslow)

Dog Eats Paralyzed Man's Testicle

(Huffington Post)

Image: State Farm

Dog Eats Paralysed Man's Testicle = Alas, pet mangles testis. Doc ready...

(by Julian Lofts)

Dog Eats Paralyzed Man's Testicle = Zany pet ate ill master's sac (Ed.: God!)

Dog Eats Paralysed Man's Testicle = A pet mangles sac. Dad (testily): "Sore!"

(by Jason and Julian Lofts)

Study: Sea-level rise threatens 1,400 US cities

(USA Today)

Photo: Cherrylynx

Study: Sea-level rise threatens US major metropolises including Miami, Virginia Beach and Jacksonville = Not just Venice sinking on map. I jest, blame dam shortages. Chaos! I yell: "I'll survive!" I erred, am near-suicidal...

(by Jason Lofts)

A real-life diamond heist on the Riviera

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Amarand Agasi

A real-life diamond heist on the French Riviera = Hoorah! Thief flees in raid in recent live drama!

(by Jason Lofts)

Versace mansion for sale in 'auction of the century'

(MSN)

Photo: joannova

Gianni Versace Miami mansion for sale in 'auction of the century' = Rich foreigners envy onanistic mausoleum. "Ciao" - an intimate fan.

(by Julian Lofts)

JFK Second Shooter? New Documentary Makes Radical Claim

(Huffington Post)

Image: cliff1066

John F K Second Shooter? New Documentary Makes Radical Claim = Documents show a mad jerk shot Kennedy. O, no miracle - farcical!

(by Jason Lofts)

Giant magnet resembling flying saucer attracts rock-star status on 3,200-mile trip to Illinois

(Washington Post)

Photo: modot_stl_photos

A giant magnet resembling a flying saucer attracted rock-star attention on 3200-mile trip = 2030: Terrestrials on permanent alert! Mad UFO gyration, galactic attack beginning. Stem it!

(by Jason Lofts)

South Africa Marvels At James Bond-Style Shooting Of Czech Fugitive Radovan Krejcir

(Huffington Post)

South Africa Marvels At James Bond-Style Shooting Of Czech Fugitive Radovan Krejcir = Criminals' machine gunshot attack fazes Jo'burg officers. Threat void. Slav overjoyed.

(by Julian Lofts)

Pussy Riot's Nadezhda Tolokonnikova denied parole

(BBC)

Photo: Cea.

Pussy Riot member denied parole = Putin dabs eye, implored remorse

(by Julian Lofts)

George Alexander Louis: Royal Baby Name Revealed By Kate Middleton And Prince William

(The International Business Times)

Photo: Carmen Rodriguez

Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor = Wide plan: Cambridges' son to rule our next generation?

(by Tony Crafter)

David Suchet, who has played Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot on TV for the last 25 years, completes his run

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: elena-lu

Agatha Christie and her thinly disguised famous fictional character Hercule Poirot = Aha! A comical author's created the giddy insightful French inspector I rate hilarious.

(by Jason Lofts)

Chris Froome wins Tour de France 2013

(The Guardian)

Photo: CREDITS

Lanky Chris Froome wins amazing Tour de France = He zooms! Winner cyclist a fair man - no drug faker

(by Jason Lofts)

'Justice for Trayvon' rallies draw thousands across USA

(USA Today)

Photo: greenelent

'Justice for Trayvon' = Vet, 'cos jury not fair

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Japanese knotweed invasion is halting house sales as buyers are denied mortgages on blighted properties

(Daily Mail)

Photo: wallygrom

Invasion of Japanese knotweed in the UK: It's stopped sales of houses as buyers are denied mortgage loans = So you own a home that's infested, i.e. no banks lend? People risk a degree of stagnation, despair. Jesus, save us!

(by Jason Lofts)