This Beauty Treatment Involving Eels Will Literally Make Your Penis Shrivel With Fear

(Huffington Post)

Photo: Trevira1

This beauty treatment involving eels will literally make your penis shrivel with fear = Shriek! I've vile slimy little Asian swamp eel entering fully by urethra! Oh, won't it travel?

(by Jason Lofts)

Ex-UBS banker Weil agrees to extradition to US

(Swissinfo)

Photo: twicepix

Ex-UBS banker Weil agrees to extradition to US = IRS being outed - likes to exert war on tax abuse

(by Jason Lofts)

Why Americans Can't Lose Weight

(24/7 Wall St.)

Photo: Malingering

Why Americans Can't Lose Weight = Many watch calories stewing, eh?

(by Robert Jordan)

Why Americans Can't Lose Weight = Why? Manic eaters then swig Cola!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Why Americans Can't Lose Weight = Now I eat, chewing starchy meals

(by Jason Lofts)

Why Americans Can't Lose Weight = Warnings while they eat Mac's & Co?

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Do elephants grieve like people do?

(BBC)

Photo: rageforst

Do elephants grieve like people do? = O! Grave deep pine look spelled it, eh?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Berlusconi Accused of Bribing 'Bunga Bunga' Witnesses

(Time)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Berlusconi Accused of Bribing 'Bunga Bunga' Witnesses = Buccaneer SB fornicated, was using bungs, i.e. lubing? SOB!

(by Jason Lofts)

The word bung is a slang for a bribe, as is lubing.

Barack Obama tells Hollywood it has 'responsibility' on gun violence

(The Daily Telegraph)

Chart: Cory M. Grenier

Barack Obama tells Hollywood it has to demonstrate more 'responsibility' on gun violence = No balding Bruce Willis or no tormented macho Sylvester Stallone. Boohoo. A mistake. A pity!

(by Julian Lofts)

Judge rejects OJ Simpson's bid for retrial

(BBC)

Photo: Project M·A·R·C

Judge has rejected OJ Simpson's bid for retrial = Mr OJS in jail, depressed. Hard to beg for justice!

(by Jason Lofts)

Obama defends Iran policy amid Israel anger

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: marsmet546

Obama defends Iran policy amid Israel anger = An American Pres. said: 'Brief, mainly good deal!'

(by Aronas Pichas)

Saatchi accused Nigella Lawson of drug-taking, court hears

(BBC)

Photo: Saima

Saatchi accused Nigella Lawson of drug-taking, court hears = Chef took cocaine (a Class A drug) during a wealth sting? A slur!

(by Jason Lofts)

Mother and dead son's de facto in bitter legal battle over ashes

(Western Australia News)

Photo: kundalini

Mother and dead son's de facto in bitter legal battle over ashes = The 'dead bit' forgotten as clan bad lot seethe over lad's remains

(by Mark McNamara)

Syria conflict: Children 'targeted by snipers'

(BBC)

Photo: UNHCR

Syria conflict: Children 'targeted by snipers' = Protesters decry grisly infanticide (blanch)

(by Julian Lofts)

Jermaine Lloyd Arrested Naked - Except For The Turban And High Heels

(Huffington Post)

Photo: cobalt123

Jermaine Lloyd Arrested Naked - Except For The Turban And High Heels = Aargh, indecent exposure! Lonely mad hatter jerk flash'd behind tree

(by Jason Lofts)

Crack-smoking Toronto mayor more popular than Obama

(RT)

Photo: designwallah

Crack-smoking Toronto mayor more popular than Obama = Oh look, rampant bar guy partook as commoner. Romantic!

(by Dharam)

World powers, Iran clinch 'historic' nuclear deal

(Yahoo! News)

IllustrationL The Pix-Jockey

World powers, Iran clinch 'historic' nuclear deal = Cross Tehran will hold no war? Nice? Ridicule! Crap!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Plea deal reached in case of ricin-laced letters sent to Obama

(Washington Post)

Photo: Martin LaBar

Plea deal reached in case of ricin-laced letters sent to President Obama = Last elected leader sent fierce castor bean poison per candid hate mail

(by Jason Lofts)

Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger to become a great-grandfather

(The Salt Lake Tribune)

Photo: oddsock

Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger to become a great-grandfather = Fame or no, reckon old megastar Jagger's tight, celebrating!

(by Maurice Goddard)

French weathergirl stuns viewers with nude report

(The Daily Telegraph)

French weathergirl stuns viewers with nude report = The interviewer/porn star - rightful crudeness. Whew!

(by Julian Lofts)

Michael Jackson "accidentally killed himself" claims pop star's former doctor Conrad Murray

(The Independent)

Photo: Roadsidepictures

Michael Jackson "accidentally killed himself" claims pop star's former doctor Conrad Murray = Half mad, sick, cyclical insomniac, Jacko, calmly prompted ruthless MD for sedation. Real error!

(by Julian Lofts)

Tsarnaev indicted for weapon of mass destruction

(USA Today)

Photo: Wikimedia

Tsarnaev indicted for a weapon of mass destruction - charges could bring the death penalty = Adolescent WMD offender sent to try in US court. Case proven? Hang bastard high? Capital idea!

(by Jason Lofts)

Obama awards Medal of Freedom to Clinton and Winfrey

(BBC)

Photo: NASA

Obama awards Medal of Freedom to Clinton and Winfrey = Two famed and formidable American wonders of any lot!

(by Maurice Goddard)