James Bond's drinking would have killed him say Nottingham doctors

(Nottingham Post)

Photo: Edmond Wells

James Bond's drinking would have killed him say Nottingham doctors = Drank a lot: Jameson bonded whisky, gin, mild stout, LVMH... hic, groan... dies!

(by Jason Lofts)

The poisoning of the Pacific: USA in danger?

(Pravda)

Photo: Hamed Saber

The poisoning of the Pacific: USA in danger? = Causing the fish to die. Go profane in panic!

(by Jason Lofts)

Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi 'lied in court', Elisabetta Grillo says

(BBC)

Photo: Saima

Nigella Lawson and Charles Saatchi 'lied in court', Elisabetta Grillo says = Tallyho! A card swindle. Latest shrill cocaine-abusing allegations arise

(by Jason Lofts)

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis 'shaken, not stirred'

(Los Angeles Times)

Photo: James Vaughan

Doctors explain why Bond prefers his martinis 'shaken, not stirred' = Header: Tremors - spy drowns in drink - toxic habit shortens lifespan

(by Julian Lofts)

Simulations back up theory that Universe is a hologram

(Nature)

Photo: NASA

Simulations back up theory that Universe is hologram = To that, normal skeptics (or even I) say, "Humbug! Hilarious!"

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Ancient Humans Had Sex with Mystery Relatives

(Discovery)

Photo: Jaroslav A. Polák

Ancient Humans Had Sex with Mystery Relatives = Hi! Mutants mix via Neanderthals they screw, yes?

(by Maurice Goddard)

North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un has his own uncle executed and calls him 'despicable human scum'

(Evening Standard)

Photo: Zennie Abraham

North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un has his own uncle executed and calls him 'despicable human scum' = Bullheaded noxious paranoiac henchman! Unjust mad Commie ruler's tight wicked clench, stank so!

(by Maurice Goddard)

'Historic' snow storms spread havoc and misery across the Middle East

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Tyler Wilson

'Historic' snow storms spread havoc and misery across the Middle East = Cold shivery White Christmas storm is no one's dream as cars stop dead!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Man Sets Gun On Toilet Paper Dispenser While Using Bathroom, Gun Goes Off

(Huffington Post)

Photo: Pascal

Man sets gun on toilet paper dispenser while using bathroom, gun goes off = Ingenue man shits. Weapon slips off, trigger detonates - BOOM! Help us! Run, go!

(by Jason Lofts)

North Korea executes Kim Jong-un's uncle as a traitor

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Wikimedia

"Despicable human scum Jang, who was worse than a dog, perpetrated thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him" = Plotter uncle of Jong-un was incarcerated, accused by brutal amoral nephew ('revered' head of that Communist state) for past errors, treason and perfidy. What? Why? How? PS: Army behind hated chap's slaughter.

(by Jason Lofts)

Pope Francis named Time Magazine's Person of the Year

(BBC)

Photo: Catholic Church

Pope Francis named Time Magazine's Person of the Year = Famed praying saint! So more fame's on then? Peace Prize?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Shocking case of intergenerational child abuse

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: Soon

Shocking case of intergenerational child abuse = Egad, chronic enfeebling incest shook Australia!

(by Jason Lofts)

Pope Francis is Time person of the year

(Yahoo! News)


Pope Francis is Time person of the year = Story of S. American priest - he fine Pope!

(by Julian Lofts)

Fake 'signer' at Mandela memorial outrages deaf

(Yahoo! News)

Fake 'signer' at Mandela memorial outrages deaf South Africans = Is a gaffe! Hokum info! Amateur translator elegised a sacred man.

(by Julian Lofts)

Wind turbines on farms 'can help UK meet food and energy needs'

(BBC)

Photo: Chuck Coker

Wind turbines on farms 'can help UK meet food and energy needs' = Underfed? Nothing did beat man's clean sunny smoke-free power!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Barack Obama, Raul Castro shake hands at Mandela memorial

(CBC)


Barack Obama, Raul Castro shake hands at Mandela memorial = Aha! Area marked American & Cuban's smooth smalltalk abroad!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Daredevil rides bike backwards down mountain at 50mph

(Metro)

Daredevil rides bike backwards down a mountain at fifty mph = Madman is nifty on velocipede but it's awkward if braked hard

(by Jason Lofts)

Ian McKellen responds to Damian Lewis' 'fruity actor' slam: 'The Hobbit' actor says he's 'happy' playing a wizard

(New York Daily News)

Photo: Carlo

Ian McKellen responds to Damian Lewis' 'fruity actor' slam: 'The Hobbit' actor says he's 'happy' playing a wizard = "Better than a soppy pink English actor who's a ditzy American soldier who's really a bad Muslim spy fanatic!"

(by Julian Lofts)

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Best new cracker joke revealed

(Metro)

Photo: rwoan

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Best new cracker joke revealed = O joy! Crackheads smile 'cause tart misbehaved. The clever answer: Twerky!

(by Jason Lofts)

Bogota mayor Gustavo Petro sacked and banned from office

(BBC)

Photo: Gustavo Petro Urrego

Bogota mayor Gustavo Petro sacked and banned from office = Can Toronto sack mega-damaged beefy "VIP" Rob Ford too? Snafu!

(by Julian Lofts)