The most incredible statistic about Cristiano Ronaldo's career so far

(Yahoo! Eurosport)

Photo: Ryu Voelkel

The most incredible statistic about Cristiano Ronaldo's career so far = Football star records a score in each minute. It is a record boast isn't it?!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Oscar Pistorius sends out Valentine's Day message of regret over dead girlfriend

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Global Sports Forum

Oscar Pistorius: A few words from my heart - "No words can adequately capture my feelings about the devastating accident that has caused such heartache for everyone who truly loved - and continues to love - Reeva. The pain and sadness - especially for Reeva's parents, family and friends - consumes me with sorrow. The loss of Reeva and the complete trauma of that day, I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Oscar." = Half accurate account of Valentine's Day Massacre - premeditated murder or not guilty? "Last Valentine's Day I overreacted after a bedroom tiff and shot my lover who was on the toilet. Why? I had no prostheses on and was very scared of an intruder, I swear. Fact is, the cow may have chaffed at me, 'Such a queer impotent legless wretch!' So what? She placated herself. As for my unusual propensity for violence... I'm so sorry."

(by Jason Lofts)

Scientists count whales from space

(BBC)

Photo: yeimaya

Scientists count whales from space = Nil's seen, fact; what cosmic spouters?
[See Whales from space]

(by Robert Jordan)

Why I want a microchip implant

(BBC)

Photo: Alejandra H. Covarrubias

Why I want a microchip implant = Yow! A PIN within, hmm... practical

(by Robert Jordan)

Sobbing fisherman home in El Salvador after year adrift in Pacific

(Reuters)

Photo: Bart Bernardes

Sobbing fisherman home in El Salvador after year adrift in Pacific = O, inept failing seafarer saved by cannibalism from horrific death?

(by Jason Lofts)

Flooding emergency in England

(Stuff.co.nz)

Photo: irBri

Flooding emergency in England = Gad! Condemn engineering folly

(by Julian Lofts)

Shirley Temple Black, Screen Darling, Dies at 85

(The New York Times)

Photo: Gushi Soda

Shirley Temple Black, Screen Darling, Dies at Home = Shock! Idly remember A Little Princess. Ah, a legend!

(by Julian Lofts)

Is the Loch Ness Monster Dead?

(Discovery)

Photo: kevinmcc

Is the Loch Ness Monster Dead? = Scotland's stories: heh, end 'em

(by Robert Jordan)

Lars von Trier's Director's Cut Of 'Nymphomaniac Part 1'

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Thief's fate sealed with a kiss

(MSN)

Photo: Christina Saint Marche

Thief's fate sealed with a kiss = As the flesh is weak it is fated

(by Robert Jordan)

Council's apostrophe ruling hailed

(The Irish Independent)

Photo: Clint McMahon

Council's apostrophe ruling hailed = Locals propounding literacies, huh?

(by Robert Jordan)

Gorilla escape plan

(MSN)

Photo: Stu Mayhew

Gorilla escape plan = Aping ape call roles

(by Robert Jordan)

Schapelle Corby granted parole

(nineMSN)

Photo: publik16

Schapelle Corby is granted parole = Angle: a deplorable psychotic errs

(by Julian Lofts)

'What's the problem?': Olympic committee officials say nothing wrong with faking footage of opening ceremony's now infamous five-ring lighting blunder that has been mocked around the world

(Daily Mail)

Photo: Marcus & Sue

'What's the problem?': The Olympic committee officials say nothing was wrong with faking footage of opening ceremony's now infamous five-ring lighting blunder that has been mocked around the world = Wow! Big milestone. Very mnemonic of the Mad Hatter's tea party. Phew! Putin (he, gushing bonhomie) gets off ogling AK* (Alice In Wonderland?) who's on the track in front of millions. Huge crowd scoff at bigamy.
[*Alina Kabayeva - Putin's mistress]

(by Julian Lofts)

Teen would-be beauty queen dream has plastic sewn to her tongue to stop her eating

(The Daily Mirror)

Photo: BBC

Teen would-be beauty queen dream has plastic sewn to her tongue to stop her eating = Plea: Ugly mutt needs an aesthetic surgeon to operate on her to win quest. Bah, dweeb!

(by Julian Lofts)

Student takes selfie with dead body, posts it on Instagram

(The Independent)

Photo: Instagram

US student takes a selfie with dead body, posts it on Instagram = Bad stunt at morgue - kid has no sense of style. It is a twisted PDA
[PDA = Public Display of Affection]

(by Julian Lofts)

Wendi Deng's love note for Tony Blair published

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: Oxfam

Wendi Deng's love note for Tony Blair published = Bling wife: "Don't deny I love Rupert - he's an old SOB!"

(by Julian Lofts)

Russell Brand: Hoffman death due to 'stupid' drug laws

(USA Today)

Photo: J Miller

"In spite of his life seeming superficially great, in spite of all the praise and accolades, in spite of all the loving friends and family, there is a predominant voice in the mind of an addict that supersedes all reason and that voice wants you dead," Brand says. = Philip Seymour Hoffman was one of the finest actors of his generation. Life can be insane and fatal, sadly. Addicts - pills and drugs are NOT the solution. It is an accident. It is a tragedy. Please send prayers to Mimi and the children. Pip is deified. Vale. Vale. Vale.

(by Julian Lofts)

Dieudonne acquitted over video on killer of French Jew

(BBC)

Photo: Alexandre Hervaud

Dieudonne acquitted in French case = One racist feud quenched in an edict

(by Jason Lofts)

German minister calls for sanctions threat against Ukraine

(The Guardian)

Photo: World Economic Forum

German minister calls for sanctions threat against Ukraine = Angela Merkel trusts an anarchic state. Is firm - "No rationings!"

(by Julian Lofts)