Ukraine PM fears new Soviet Union

(Yahoo! News)

Photo: Marco Residori

Ukraine's PM fears new Soviet Union = Kiev weeps: ain't for USSR - mean union!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Apple Maps Discovers 'Loch Ness Monster,' World Discovers Apple Maps

(The Wrap)

Photo: Kordite

Apple Maps Discover the 'Loch Ness Monster' = Solves deep Scotch serpent - morphs animal

(by Julian Lofts)

Pope baptises faithful at Easter vigil

(Stuff.co.nz)

Illustration: Roberto Rizzato

Pope Francis baptises faithful at Easter vigil = Gee, a bath for servile fanatics. Pitiful papists

(by Julian Lofts)

Atheist sues over license plate refusal

(CNN)

Photo: philly.com

Atheist sues over license plate refusal = Please use letters (use "faith's evil") on car

(by Rosie Perera)

Pakistan library named 'Bin Laden' in Islamic school

(BBC)

Photo: Matt S

A Pakistan library is named 'Bin Laden' in Islamic girls' school = Radical's shrine in Islamabad - abnormally sickening! Lo, I spit!

(by Julian Lofts)

Modi broke the law, filed false affidavit on marital status, Congress complains to EC

(The Times of India)


Narendra Modi = And married? No!

(by Julian Lofts)

Wu-Tang-linked rapper cut off penis and leapt off balcony, say reports

(The Guardian)


Wu-Tang-linked rapper cut off his penis and leapt off balcony, say reports = Snipped organ, fell down, safe! Beautiful story or epic prank? PS: Fancy that!

(by Jason Lofts)

Pistorius trial: Forensic tests challenged

(BBC)

Photo: Trcanje Rs

Pistorius trial: Forensic tests challenged = Last inferences: 'I cursed, shot pistol at girl'

(by Julian Lofts)

Miley Cyrus Still Hospitalized, Denies It's Due to 'Hard Partying' or Dog's Death

(Yahoo!)

Photo: Wikimedia

Miley Cyrus Still Hospitalized, Denies It's Due to 'Hard Partying' or Dog's Death = A special: The randy, sordid, stupid, slutty, ditzy singer's ill (heart?). "O, go home! Die!"

(by Jason Lofts)

Man named Edward Cocaine arrested for drug possession

(The Independent)


A man named Edward Cocaine arrested for drug possession = Dear God! Spare us weird American facts. No odd names. Snore!

(by Julian Lofts)

Driving one of the last VW Kombis

(The Daily Telegraph)


Driving one of the last VW Kombis = Bet it'd finish. Volkswagen ... vroom

(by Robert Jordan)

Texas woman receives life sentence for stiletto killing

(BBC)

Photo: McBeth

Texas woman receives a life sentence for killing boyfriend with stiletto = Excelling as a svelte efficient narrow knife to slit enemy bodies. Throw it!

(by Julian Lofts)

Only Horse Yoga Could Look This Peacefully Strange

(Abb Takk)


Only Horse Yoga Could Look This Peacefully Strange = Eek! Psychological horses**t for a lonely young adult

(by Julian Lofts)

Celebrity vet Chris Brown interrupts 'dolphin orgy' during filming

(The Independent)


A celebrity vet, Chris Brown, interrupts a 'dolphins orgy' during underwater filming = What's the wry 'porpoise' for telling us? Dirty, inane, cringing, R-rated, rum, un-BBC drivel!

(by Julian Lofts)

Pistorius' Five Days of 'Cross' End With Teary Valentine

(ABC News)

ABC US News | ABC Business News

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I think today is a good day to tell you that I love you" = That's a bloody odious lie, you violent shooter, you killed Reeva! It's a tragedy (tear).

(by Jason Lofts)

The Surprising Reason Men Should Take Pregnancy Tests

(YourTango)

Photo: Adrian Midgley

The Surprising Reason A Man Should Take A Pregnancy Test = Yes, he's pregnant? Nah! A prank diagnoses testicular tumor

(by Julian Lofts)

Kansas shooting: White supremacist Frazier Glenn Cross held

(BBC)


Kansas shooting: White supremacist Frazier Glenn Cross held = O, heck, forget Nazi SS soldiers! Gunman, he's Hitler racist spawn!

(by Jason Lofts)

Toilet-trained cat becomes an internet sensation

(The Daily Express)


Um, toilet-trained cat becomes an internet sensation = Ere a continent animal tenses its rectum in abode. OTT!

(by Julian Lofts)

George Osborne warns City to prepare for turmoil over Russia sanctions and interest rate rises

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Gwydion M Williams

George Osborne warns City to prepare for mad turmoil over Russia sanctions and interest rate rises = Russia's Crimean wrongdoings to be a test for Treasury. Air aim: Restore control, prevent a depression

(by Jason Lofts)

Theme park claims onesie record

(The Daily Telegraph)


Theme park claims onesie record = Order in a three-piece, mom slacks

(by Robert Jordan)