Obama commutes prison sentences of 58 people

(Reuters)

Obama commutes prison sentences of fifty-eight people = Happy cons, top enemies commit felonies, but go free fast!

Anagram: Russ Atkinson, Photo: Pete Toscano

Lying BMW driver Ayesha Ahmed's life 'in ruins' over jail term for speeding scam, says sister

(MSN)

Ayesha Ahmed = Ashamed? Yeah!

Anagram: Robert Jordan, Photo: Tonymadrid Photography

Kasich ends GOP presidential bid

(USA Today)

Kasich ends GOP presidential bid = Aspiring path is blocked, is ended = He did disappoint single backers

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: ProgressOhio

'Toxic stew of hatred': Elizabeth Warren excoriates Donald Trump

(ABC News)

'Toxic stew of hatred': Elizabeth Warren excoriates Donald Trump = "I am well aware of that crazed, sexist, xenophobic, rotten, red turd"

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Ted Cruz Suspends His Campaign for President

(The New York Times)

Ted Cruz Suspends His Campaign for President = Trump seized GOP, and press finds such certain

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Donald Trump: Presumptive GOP nominee; Sanders takes Indiana

(CNN)

Donald Trump, the presumptive GOP nominee = I prevented! He put up simple monogram: DON T.

DON T is short for Donald Trump; also it spells "don't"

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: Devon Christopher Adams

Man takes sex doll home to meet his parents after he mistakes her for an "angel"

(Raw Story)

Man takes sex doll home to meet his parents after he mistakes her for an 'angel' = As menfolk agree to meet: "Let's examine her part naked." Oh, that fisherman's loss!

Anagram: Dharam Khalsa, Photo: Facebook

Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz's Father of Associating With Kennedy Assassin

(The New York Times)

Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz's Father of Associating With Kennedy Assassin = That snarky US cuss recognizes said dad in Oswald street pic. Fun fact? No shame!

Anagram: Dharam Khalsa

Trump The Fainthearted

(Daily Caller)

Trump The Fainthearted = Imprudent fat threat, eh?

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Sports Authority bankruptcy sale could close remaining stores

(CNN)

Sports Authority = Say truth: it's poor

Anagram: Rosie Perera, Photo: Mike Kalasnik

Donald Trump accuses China of trade 'rape'

(The Daily Telegraph)

Trade rape = Retard! Ape!

Anagram: Julian Lofts, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Who has better odds to win the White House, Trump or Clinton?

(NJ.com)

My apologies = GOP: I may lose

Democratic nominee = Nice dream to come in

A Donald Trump ticket = Talk Democrat, pundit!

Donald Trump's supporters = Lord! Spur up damn protests!

Donald Trump's real chances = Crap. Much later, end and loss.

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: Yanito Freminoshi

Weasel shuts down Large Hadron Collider

(Christian Science Monitor)

Weasel shuts down Large Hadron Collider = Result: doing research had all slowed now

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Photo: Har Gobind Singh Khalsa

Killing bin Laden was Obama's real 'mic drop' moment

(MSN)

Osama bin Laden = "Slain. END." -Obama

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: US Embassy

Probability we're the only intelligent life ever? Really low, say astronomers

(Christian Science Monitor)

Probability we're the only intelligent life ever? Really low, say astronomers = Well, sir, we've yet really no probability theory of little green aliens on Mars!

Anagram: Maurice Goddard, Photo: clement127

Five Years After Bin Laden's Death, What's Changed?

(NBC News)

Osama bin Laden = 's one bad animal = Bad ol' man in sea

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Illustration: Surian Soosay

Clinton: Don't let progress fall to Trump

(Washington Post)

Clinton: Don't let progress fall to Trump = Polls tell: strong Democrat put in front

Anagram: Josiah Winslow, Caricature: DonkeyHotey

For Obama's final correspondents' dinner, the obvious targets: Trump, Cruz and himself

(Washington Post)

The White House Correspondents' Dinner = The President, our chosen winner, hosted

Anagram: Josiah Winslow

Trump's ex-wife used to tell friends about his erectile dysfunction

(deathandtaxesmag)

Trump's ex-wife used to tell her friends about his erectile dysfunction = I/We conclude it seems hurt bride reported he's sexually unfit (not stiff)

Anagram: Jason Lofts, Photo: PROGage Skidmore

What It's Like to Write Jokes for President Obama

(The New York Times)

What It's Like to Write Jokes for President Obama = Work hard; smart wit is OK, tiniest jape too feeble.

Anagram: Russ Atkinson