Donald Trump awards Annika Sorenstam, Gary Player Presidential Medal of Freedom

(INSERT_NEWSPAPER_NAME)

Three of the US Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients today
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I seethe for addled Trump prefers to deify ‘Hole in one’ catamites

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Mike Licht

President Trump Confirms He Will Not Attend President-elect Biden's Inauguration

(Town & Country)

President Trump confirms he will not attend Biden's inauguration
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Mad funambulist plotting another insurrection/predestined win

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: TheTurducken

Trump's desperate attempt to save his imploding presidency

(CNN)

Trump's desperate attempt to save his imploding presidency
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Press: Dignity and respect are lost. Past time to dump him! Veep?

Anagram: Dharam
Image: TheTurducken

Calls intensify to remove Trump from office even as he acknowledges ‘a new administration’

(Washington Post)

Calls intensify to remove Trump from presidential office
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Effective immediately for insurrection plots from plans

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: IoSonoUnaFotoCamera

Jack Ma disappears from his own talent show

(Financial Times)

Mister Ma disappears from his own Chinese reality talent show
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He worships fame. Honestly, it’s a crime. Was maltreated in prison

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Paul Kagame

Pastor’s battle with two great white sharks is heaven sent

(USA Today)

Pastor’s battle with two great white sharks is heaven sent
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Eek! Theater & higher vows: Pastor's battle with Satan's twins!

Anagram: Steve Allison
Image: Nathan Rupert

Trump supporters to hold rally in US Capital on Jan 6 to protest election result

(Business World)

The BIG Protest Rally in Washington, DC: Stop The Steal!
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Let’s thwart the psycho loser plotting against Biden

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Blink O'fanaye

‘Trump blows up US democracy’: the world watches on in horror

(The Guardian)

“Trump blows up American democracy. A day that will go down in history. A president to be thrown in the dustbin of history,” says South American political commentator Eliane Cantanhede
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A coup d’etat stunt in the Capitol by domestic terrorists and macho counterforces who worship and obey an amoral, mentally ill bigot, a naysayer who didn’t win. Impeach him! Entertain us!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Mike Finn

Is Dairy Farming Cruel to Cows?

(The New York Times)

Is Dairy Farming Cruel to Cows?
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Grimy cow, calf. Sad routine, sir!

Anagram: Steve Allison

US Secret Service codenames selected for Presidents, Vice Presidents and their family members

Some of the US Secret Service codenames selected for Presidents, Vice Presidents and their family members: 1. Biden 2. Harris 3. Trump 4. Melania 5. Ivanka 6. Pence 7. Clinton 8. Hillary 9. Chelsea 10. Reagan 11. Obama 12. Michelle 13. Sasha 14. Kennedy 15. Ford 16. George H.W. Bush 17. George W. Bush 18. Carter 19. Agnew 20. Gore

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VIPs’ strange, daft, harsh, bombastic (Mr T’s insane he feels cheated), highly comedic nicknames: 1. Celtic 2. Pioneer 3. Mogul 4. Muse 5. Marvel 6. Hoosier 7. Eagle 8. Evergreen 9. Energy 10. Rawhide 11. Renegade 12. Renaissance 13. Rosebud 14. Lancer 15. Passkey 16. Timberwolf 17. Tumbler 18. Deacon 19. Pathfinder 20. Sawhorse

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Thomas Hawk

Fed Judge Says 'Criminal' Trump Only Pardons Republicans, Child Murderer Or Turkey

(Newsweek)

"It's not surprising that a criminal like Trump pardons other criminals," senior United States District Federal Judge Robert Pratt of the Southern District of Iowa said on Tuesday. "But apparently to get a pardon, one has to be either a Republican, a convicted child murderer or a turkey."
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That apish tyrant relished absolution of turpitude: Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Charles Kushner, Blackwater security contractors in penitentiaries. The horrid megalomaniac, purporting to be POTUS, subverted and jeopardised democracy. It isn’t adult, I find it is retarded, I retort!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Alex McCrae

French fashion designer Pierre Cardin dies, aged 98

(The New Zealand Herald)

The fashion designer Pierre Cardin
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Pioneering thread franchiser dies

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Budiey

Eminent Chomsky Says Trump a 'Sociopathic Megalomaniac'

(Common Dreams)

Four years with an unhinged 'Sociopathic Megalomaniac' in power
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Legacy of paranoiac, Trump, incriminated in heinous hogwash woe.

Anagram: Maurice Goddard
Image: Powell Burns

Hilaria Baldwin admits fake Spanish accent, real name

(Eminetra)

What's the most risible Hispanic edition of Blackface?
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So meet Hilaria Baldwin, accept it is kibosh, then scoff

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Joella Marano

Grim milestone: 1 in 1,000 Americans dead from COVID-19; US surpasses 19 million case

(ABC12)

A grim Coronavirus data milestone for the United States has been reached
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One in a thousand dead is most abhorrent, it’s accelerative - fear the germ, US!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Travis Wise

Nashville Christmas Bomber

(USA Today)

Nashville Christmas Bomber
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Loner, he blabs, harms victims

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: Ninian Reid

Emergency crews sing 'Happy Birthday' to Dr. Fauci

(NBC News)

Our best wishes to the octogenarian Doctor Anthony Fauci
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But who? Fantastic US hero, a geriatric doyen - oho, no contest!

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Don't Tell Your Kids About Santa

(Friendly Atheist)

Don't Tell Your Kids About Santa
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Look, it's undoubtedly Satan. Rat!
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Look out, standard but nasty lie!

Anagrams: Russ Atkinson, Aronas Pinchas
Image: Gary Watts

It Was All A Lie by Stuart Stevens

Santa Claus rescued from power lines while making parachute candy deliver

(WFLA)

Santa Claus rescued from power lines while making parachute candy delivery
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Rudolph's new name? Sparky! "I feel ashamed..." Wiry voltages incur a cruel accident.

Anagram: Steve Allison