President Obama honors Bob Dylan and Clint Eastwood

(The San Francisco Chronicle)

















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President Obama honors Bob Dylan and Clint Eastwood = The pet blot crowns; Bono, Doris Day, and Osama bin Laden!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Grand finale: Olympics end with hockey final

(Washington Post)

















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Grand finale: Olympics end with hockey final = ... and end Games with chilly ice rink play-off. No?

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Talking therapy may provide lasting back pain relief

(The Guardian)

















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Talking therapy may provide lasting back pain relief = Blair gasped: "Glorify talk? I'm a very apt pain in the neck!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Pudgy birds may migrate faster

(Yahoo! News)

















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Pudgy birds may migrate faster = Bustard (a gypsy drifter): "I'm game!"

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Kim Yu-na wins gold in women's figure skating with new world record

(Yonhap News Agency)

















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Kim Yu-na wins gold in women's figure skating with new world record = WOW!! Rink gem! S.Korea's unmatched wonder girl won in swing fluidity!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Why won't anyone clean me?

(The Wall Street Journal)

















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Why won't anyone clean the fridge? = Hey -- we few can't do nearly nothing.

(by Jeffrey Barnes)

Passengers who flew with accused Christmas Day bomber speak out

(CNN)

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Passengers who flew with accused Christmas Day bomber speak out = "Chump passes gas. He blew his dirty underwear. Tobacco smoke wafts..."

(by Jeffrey Barnes)

Killer whale to be spared as ponytail blamed for trainer death

(The Daily Telegraph)

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Killer whale to be spared as ponytail blamed for trainer death = Real wide hope for killer-rat Osama bin Laden? Tatty beards help!

(by Maurice Goddard)

'America the miserable' prof: U.S. isn't the same

(CNN)

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'America the miserable' prof: U.S. isn't the same = The prime bit here: It's Uncle Sam fears Osama!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Oil drilling begins in the Falkland Islands

(Channel 4)

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Oil drilling begins in the Falkland Islands = and hold bills in Argentina's 'killing fields' ?

(by Chris Sturdy)

Party Gridlock in Washington Feeds Fear of a Debt Crisis

(The New York Times)

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Party Gridlock in Washington Feeds Fear of a Debt Crisis = Why block ideas, if not for disgracing a president faster?

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Navy moves to allow women on submarines

(Los Angeles Times)

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Navy moves to allow women on submarines = Envy looms? Amour below waves isn't on man!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Road to health care legislation

(USA Today)

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Road to health care legislation = On Death's trail I go -- a race to Hell!

(by Jeffrey Barnes)

Bickering continues as health summit nears

(CNN)

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Bickering continues as health care summit nears = Cruel? Inhumane? Ha! Americans best not get sick, sir.

(by Jeffrey Barnes)

Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much

(The New York Times)

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Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much = Let's hush! The communication detected a love?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Cheney released from hospital

(CNN)

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Cheney released from hospital = Hey -- he escaped mental floor, sir!

(by Jeffrey Barnes)

I'm soon going to look like Brad Pitt: Shah Rukh

(The Times of India)

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I'm soon going to look like Brad Pitt: Shah Rukh = Ah! King Kong, Mao, Hitler, or spoilt kid Bush too?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Obama to meet Dalai Lama despite Chinese warning

(Yahoo! News)

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Obama to meet Dalai Lama despite Chinese warning = Ah, awesome plan! Meditate on Asia reclaiming debt.

(by Dharam Khalsa)

We do feel sorry for Gordon Brown, but in the wrong way

(The Guardian)

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We do feel sorry for Gordon Brown, but in the wrong way = Fob? Only we don't for windy 'War on Terror' George W. Bush!

(by Maurice Goddard)

What John Terry's reunion with his wife says about Britain?

(The Independent)

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What John Terry's reunion with his wife says about Britain? = Hi! We are a nation of rutty rubbishy whorish twits in jeans.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Huge Waves Wipe Out Crowd At Surf Contest

(Yahoo! News)

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Huge Waves Wipe Out Crowd At Surf Contest = Cute cut down with vast surge of sea power!

(by Chris Sturdy)

Toyota recalls 8,000 US vehicles

(BBC News)

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Massive Toyota recall = Tacoma? Yes, it's all over!

(by Adie Pena)

Michael Jackson Autopsy Report

(The Smoking Gun)

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Michael Jackson Autopsy Report = Colic shut major Yankee pop-star.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Kennedy won't run for re-election in RI

(Washington Post)

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Kennedy won't run for re-election in RI = Retirer now? Like confined to nunnery?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Anything Beyond The Universe? New Theory Changes Our Destiny

(Huffington Post)

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Anything Beyond The Universe? New Theory Changes Our Destiny = Note the uncanny absurdity in *nothing*. God? Yes! He's everywhere.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Analysis: Chocolate may reduce stroke risk

(USA Today)

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Analysis: Chocolate may reduce stroke risk? = I cry: "Aha! To smoke doesn't! A really sick curse!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Millionaire gives away fortune which made him miserable

(The Daily Telegraph)

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Millionaire gives away fortune which made him miserable = "Minimum wage here! I was rich. Idle. I abhor money's fatal evil!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Clinton leaves hospital after heart procedure

(CNN)

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Bill Clinton is detained for heart-artery surgery. = Stent? (Or did they balefully insert a cigar in error...?)

(by Tony Crafter)

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Bill Clinton hospitalized = O! Pain! ill blitz in old chest.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Baucus, Grassley Propose New Jobs Bill

(The New York Times)

















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Baucus, Grassley Propose New Jobs Bill = Or, as public bus passengers bellow, "JOY!"

(by Dharam Khalsa)

Rain pours new misery on quake-struck Haiti

(Reuters)

















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Rain pours new misery on quake-struck Haiti = 'Skyquake' out, saw more pain in Richter ruins.

(by Maurice Goddard)

Hairs trace human history

(MSNBC)

















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Hairs trace human history = Such hairy rot? He's Martian??

(by Maurice Goddard)

Music That Changed History and Still Resonates

(The New York Times)

















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"In Performance at the White House: A Celebration of Music from the Civil Rights Movement" = Michelle Obama invites us to view the hot concert night for America's triumph of free men

(by Adie Pena)

Peter Andre's fury as Katie Price gives toddler Princess a glamour model style makeover

(Daily Mail)

















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Peter Andre's fury as Katie Price gives toddler Princess a glamour model style makeover = Some people are an utter disgrace, as real crap mum left kid looking very, very distressed

(by Chris Sturdy)

Terror laws in doubt as 'suicide bomber' is freed

(The Scotsman)

















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Terror laws in doubt as 'suicide bomber' is freed = O! Delicious idea? Murderer Brown fits bars best!

(by Maurice Goddard)

David Cameron battles to save top female candidate after local row

(The Daily Telegraph)

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David Cameron battles to save top female candidate after local row = As a fat lot of tact, Conservative Leader added: "Problematical women!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

NATO seeks partners to fight Taliban

(Financial Times)

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Nato seeks partners to fight Taliban = Sent in a battle, Afghan troops strike!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Reading the 'tea party' leaves in Florida

(Los Angeles Times)

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Reading the 'tea party' leaves in Florida = Earl Grey? It'd defeat in vote Sarah Palin!
Reading the 'tea party' leaves in Florida = Event at it? Sarah Palin died of Earl Grey!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Toyota Prius recall 'expected'

(Autocar)

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Toyota Prius recall = Totally precarious?

(by Adie Pena)

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Toyota Prius recall = You, car's total peril!

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Iraq war means a new batallion of lost souls bunkered down in suburban homes

(The Herald Sun)

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What becomes of the lost souls? = O! Most face Hell. Bush stews too?

(by Maurice Goddard)

Price's nanny told Junior about wedding

(Digital Spy)

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Price's nanny told Junior about wedding = 'New dad' Injun isn't cute. Poor darling boy!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Whitewashing Zimbabwe's history

(The Guardian)

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The documentary 'Mugabe and the White African' = Notice: "Chief Man Wanted. A haughty armed brute"

(by Maurice Goddard)

Anne Hathaway gives GQ a kissing lesson

(MSNBC)

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Anne Hathaway gives GQ a kissing lesson = "Hi gang!" Q: A heavenly kiss? A: Witness a snog!
[snog: to kiss and cuddle (Briticism)]

(by Maurice Goddard)

US east coast shut down as 'snowpocalypse' hits

(The Daily Telegraph)

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"Snowpocalypse" in the east coast = Nasty! No access, as two people hit.

(by Adie Pena)

Mudslides sweep away cars, assault homes near LA

(Yahoo! News)

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Mudslides sweep away cars, assault homes near LA = A merciless storm washes land. Alas, pause way due.

(by Adriano D.)

US dismisses Iranian claims of nuclear agreement

(The Guardian)

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US dismisses Iranian claims of nuclear agreement in push for sanctions = America, lining fair consensus, spurns Tehran and use of atomic missiles

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Palin e-mails reveal a powerful 'first dude'

(The Anchorage Daily News)

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Palin e-mails reveal a powerful 'first dude' = Darn dame's use! Real well-off pair live it up!

(by Maurice Goddard)

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Palin e-mails reveal a powerful 'first dude' = Mine-evil-wife-Todd appears as a full ruler

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Romania agrees to host US missile interceptors

(Christian Science Monitor)

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Romania agrees to host US missile interceptors = Poor state runs & legitimises American shooters

(by Aronas Pinchas)

New senator Scott Brown sure gets down to Republican business

(Washington Post)

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New senator Scott Brown sure gets down to Republican business = *NOT* New Labour's Ten Downing Street case! Issue? Scot Brown burps!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Hear the rumble of Christian hypocrisy

(The Times)

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Hear the rumble of Christian hypocrisy = Human? Catholic priests hereby horrify!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Alberto Giacometti sculpture breaks auction record

(Los Angeles Times)

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The Swiss sculptor Alberto Giacometti = Art Topic: Well, his big statue costs more!

(by Adie Pena)