Safeguard your corporate SIM

(IT News Africa)

Photo: Vaidotas Mišeikis

Subscriber identification module (SIM) = I'm card found in mobile - I secure its bits = I'm card found in mobile - I rescue its bits

(by Jason Lofts)

Ex-Glee star Mark Salling held on child abuse image claims

(BBC)

Photo: Mike Ownby

Glee star Noah "Puck" Puckerman is arrested in Los Angeles = Agents reckon Mark Salling's a secret paedophile. Unsure?

(by Julian Lofts)

Baby Goes All Homer Simpson While Tasting Bacon For The First Time

(Huffington Post)

Easton Beach = He eats bacon

(by Robert Jordan)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's Christmas: The Most Over-the-Top Details

(Vanity Fair)

Photo: Jenny

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's Christmas: The Most Over-the-Top Details = See madman astonished North's ma KK, relatives at party with kitsch dose = That dotty darkish man lavishes crass winter keepsakes on hot dim mate

(by Jason Lofts)

Japan and South Korea agree WW2 'comfort women' deal

(BBC)

Photo: Melissa Wall

The debased South Korean 'comfort women' = "Men forced us to work on a bed - hate them so."

(by Julian Lofts)

See Every Person of the Year in 15 Seconds

(Time)

The public figure that I would have chosen as TIME's Person of the Year is...
= Vengeful hybrid amputee athlete Oscar Pistorius who shot his fiancée
= Pope Francis, the troubled guy who utilises the Vatican free as his home
= Charlie Hebdo. Evil huffish thugs wipe out cartoonist team seen as prey
= A team: He is cute faerie North's pouting pa; she is his hot, curvy bedfellow
= Vladimir Putin: A cheerless, tough, beefy chief; he was the top Russian too
= Even G.W. Bush, the so hilariously pathetic president of the US of America
= FIFA's President Blatter, whom the US chase. He is covering up. I loathe you!
= Hirsute UEFA President Michel Platini. Why? Shoot, because he got favors!
= E.T. "Tiger" Woods. Ha, the rich player misbehaves (unfaithful to nice spouse)
= Oprah Winfrey, the huge fat US television host. To her bulimic escapades!
= The Islamic State (IS). They are unit/group who chop off unbelievers' heads
= Islamic State (group of neophyte thieves who behead rueful Christians)
= Tsipras: Is PM in Athens while Greece has voted for hefty (ouch!) EU bailout
= W.H. Cosby, the hopeful nefarious lecherous date rapist. Investigate him!
= Tony Crafter. Oh, he pens positive beautiful 'grams, he does, which I salute
= The Lofts twins: i.e. they've published facetious or euphoric anagrams, eh?

(by Jason Lofts)

Japanese comedian arrested for 'breaking into school and stealing girls' uniforms'

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Jim Epler

The Japanese comedian Kenichi Takahashi steals lots of school uniforms = Oaf lies on tunics, he frots, shoots semen. Sick kleptomaniac jailed. Hahaha!

(by Julian Lofts)

China 'expels' French journalist over Uighur article

(BBC)

The French journalist Ursula Gauthier = Uighur race - an untruth, jest or half lies?

(by Julian Lofts)

Christmas Cooking With Emeril Lagasse

(Yahoo!)

Photo: Lord Mariser

The Christmas cooking = Gastronomic kitsch, eh?

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Fare fight - trouble on the streets

(The New Zealand Herald)

Photo: Tim Rich & Lesley Katon

Uber lot = trouble

(by Robert Jordan)

Vladimir Putin Goes Shirtless Again For New 2016 Calendar

(Huffington Post)

Vladimir Putin goes shirtless again for new year's calendar = Women find aging Russian satyr leader has virile pectorals = Gay men fawn, adoring this virile Russian leader's pectorals

(by Jason Lofts)

World's fattest man Andres Moreno Sepulveda dies of heart failure, age 38

(Stuff.co.nz)

The monstrous Mexican Andres Moreno Sepulveda = Poor immense senor couldn't have sex. Trauma ends.

(by Julian Lofts)

The Mexican Andres Moreno Sepulveda = Enormous man expired, leaved a stench

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Archbishop Justin Welby says Isis 'apocalypse' threatens Christians with 'elimination' in religion's birthplace

(The Independent)

Photo: CREDITS

Islamic State "apocalypse" = Slay people as aim/tactics

(by Jason Lofts)

Madame Claude, brothel-keeper - obituary

(The Daily Telegraph)

Fernande Grudet (also known as Madame Claude) dies - the Telegraph's obituary follows = A famous, astute, female brothel owner's deeds. O, an orgy with naked, call girls' pudenda!

(by Julian Lofts)

New species, the ninja lanternshark, discovered

(CNN)

It's Etmopterus benchleyi alias 'ninja lanternshark' = Listen, black "Japanese" manhunter is in reality short

(by Jason Lofts)

NORAD tracks Santa's journey

(MSN)

Photo: Danny Sullivan

NORAD tracks Santa's journey = Sky sojourn ran, traced Santa

(by Russ Atkinson)

Facebook users solve mystery of 'ancient' relic unearthed in Jerusalem

(The Guardian)

Photo: Bio-Energy Systems

Rabbis seem wise re: ~ Weber Isis Beamers

(by Julian Lofts)

Here's How Neil deGrasse Tyson Tried to Completely Ruin Star Wars

(Time)

Who is planetarium director Neil deGrasse Tyson? = Hey, I learned inept cosmologist ruined Star Wars

(by Julian Lofts)

Google Pairs With Ford To Build Self-Driving Cars

(Yahoo!)

Photo: Lars Plougmann

Google/Ford ~ forged logo

(by Robert Jordan)

Miss Universe pageant host Steve Harvey makes huge gaffe, names wrong winner

(Fox News)

Miss Universe contest host Steve Harvey = Not savvy emcee. He errs. TV insists "He's out!"

(by Julian Lofts)

A modest approach to settling the Israeli-Palestinian conflict

(Washington Post)

Photo: Yossi Gurvitz

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict = If no alliance, the split is certain

(by Aronas Pinchas)

Sanders Apologizes to Hillary over data breach

(ABC News)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Sanders Apologizes to Hillary over data breach = Oh, the poor, crazy liberal's raids lose advantage

(by Russ Atkinson)

Prince Ali demands FIFA 'join 21st century'

(Channel NewsAsia)

Photo: Doha Stadium Plus Qatar

FIFA presidential hopeful Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein = The Arab is in line-up as fill-in for unideal chief Sepp

(by Jason Lofts)

Does going into hospital make you sick?

(BBC)

Photo: Abel Pardo López

Post-hospital syndrome = Sloppy NHS^* readmits too
*National Health Service (UK)

(by Julian Lofts)

Melissa Rivers Portrays Late Mom Joan Rivers in Joy

(US Magazine)

Photo: Mainstream

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - The late Joan Rivers = An original joke how she didn't want to confront her transvestite man inside in nothing but her crimson mesh tights

(by Jason Lofts)

And a Partridge in a Cramped Cage ...

(Huffington Post)

Photo: Karunakar Rayker

Gad! Maid a dancing, pear tree crap ~ and a partridge in a cramped cage

(by Robert Jordan)

Are plus-size models making our women obese?

(Fox News)

Photo: vangelisian

Are plus-size models making our women obese? = Unlike some, gals desire no wee bazooms, rump

(by Russ Atkinson)

Trump is still on top

(CBS News)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Trump is still on top ~ most support in till

(by Russ Atkinson)

Chinese buy up bottles of fresh air from Canada

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Vitality Air

Vitality Air = A triviality

(by Julian Lofts)

Disgruntled Siberian city wants cat for mayor

(The Guardian)

Disgruntled Siberian city wants cat for mayor = Crowd bay! May grant Russian district to feline

(by Mark McNamara)

Trump's Muslim ban would be illegal and unconstitutional, claim experts

(The Daily Express)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

The American business mogul Donald Trump = Plutocrat demands ban on Muslims. Huge ire!

(by Jason Lofts)

A Scientist Just Showed Us What Jesus Really Looks Like

(Attn:)

Photo: Richard Neave

Scientist showed us what Jesus really looks like = He's arisen, so just a skull with eye sockets will do

(by Dharam)

Trump's Medical Report Is More Insane Than His Campaign Somehow

(The Daily Beast)

To Whom My Concern [sic] I have been the personal physician of Mr. Donald J. Trump since 1980. His previous physician was my father, Dr. Jacob Bornstein. Over the past 39 years, I am pleased to report that Mr. Trump has had no significant medical problems. Mr. Trump has had a recent complete examination that showed only positive results. Actually, his blood pressure, 110/65, and his laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent. Over the past twelve months, he has lost at least fifteen pounds. Mr. Trump takes 81 mg of aspirin daily and a low dose of statin. His PSA test score is 0.15 (very low). His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. Mr. Trump has suffered no form of cancer, has never had a hip, knee, or shoulder replacement or any other orthopedic surgery. His only surgery was an appendectomy at age ten. His cardiovascular status is excellent. He has no history of ever using alcohol or tobacco products. If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency. Harold N. Bornstein, MD, FACG

=

This man is a major concern: I recently examined Mr. Donald J. Trump aka The Donald at his personal penthouse asylum suite in the Trump Tower, Upper Manhattan, New York. To tell the truth he is completely insane. At best Trump is a very dangerous psychopath. He suffers from all sorts of mental disorders and complexes, significantly Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy, severe pseudologia fantastica (compulsive pathological lying, in particular as concerns the amount of his personal net wealth), hysteria and narcissistic personality disorder (watchword: hair). The man is a distressed, short-tempered, asocial, psychotic extrovert who is prone to severe uncontrollable disturbances and crotchety, quarrelsome, behavior. His language is, therefore, observably provocative, controversial, hyperbolic and shamelessly offensive. He waffles and vociferates. Should he ever become US president, all I can say is: God help him, America and the entire world, for that matter! Attested: Chet H. Hogwash, PhD Psychiatrist and hypnotist to Mr. Trump

(by Jason Lofts)

Donald Trump would be 'the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency', says his doctor

(The Daily Telegraph)

Photo: Twitter

Donald Trump would be 'the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency', says his doctor, a gastroenterologist, Dr. Harold Bornstein, MD, FACG = Oh God! Medico errs. With various psychopathic disorders, he's a rotten, bald, demented, detestable, deranged, vilest, frothing, doolally, lunatic nutter!

(by Julian Lofts)

The ISIS Fight, Part 1: Take It From Indians -- Religious Wars Stink

(Indian Country Today)

Photo: Alisdare Hickson

The religious wars = ISIS urge other law

(by Jason Lofts)

From Warren Beatty's love letters to power suits: Joan Collins holds an auction

(The Guardian)

Photo: Catchpenny

From Warren Beatty's love letters to power suits: Joan Collins holds an auction = "I'm old. Best to sell faster now. No worries! Can't just carry it all soon up to Heaven!"

(by Maurice Goddard)

'The Trump Who Stole Christmas'

(Star Tribune)

Photo: Elvert Barnes

Excerpt from 'The Grinch's Theme Song' You're a real meany, Mr. Grinch You're the king of sinful sots, Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with Moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch, Your soul is an appalling dump heap Overflowing with the most disgraceful Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

=

'The Donald' You're the enemy, Mr. Trump You're the toxic knave of spades, If your mouth's a horrible-smelling manhole infected with Galloping distemper, gross Mr. Grump, Your long hair strands appall, An orange tress combed up into a mindboggling hotchpotch mess Hiss! Fuck off, pitbull WASP, we hate all your repugnant tirades!

(by Jason Lofts)

Want to feel really small? Meet UY Scuti, the largest star in the universe

(Yahoo!)

The largest star UY Scuti = It's huge, surely attracts

(by Aronas Pinchas)

How to defeat Donald Trump and his ilk: fight fire with fire

(The Guardian)

Photo: Michael Vadon

How to defeat Donald Trump and his ilk: fight fire with fire = Hint on: Aim! Fire! Kill the pig-headed fat turd off with words! = Down with that fat GOP-field idiot akin Der Führer himself!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Gaddafi's son Hannibal freed after kidnap in Lebanon

(BBC)

Aha, find a balding ~ Hannibal Gaddafi

(by Julian Lofts)

The Paris climate talks are raising some of the biggest questions humanity has ever had to face

(Quartz)

Photo: The Weekly Bull

Alarmist, skeptical ~ Paris climate talks

(by Julian Lofts)

Revealed: Bieber's mystery 17-year-old Instagram girl is a £3-an-hour babysitter who breached by-law for drinking in street

(Daily Mail)

Photo: Instagram

Spanish teenaged babysitter Cindy Kimberly = Bieber enchanted by a mystery kid's giant lips

(by Jason Lofts)

Cheetah a late arrival in Africa

(The New Zealand Herald)

Photo: Tambako The Jaguar

Cheetahs are said to originate from North America = So the cats migrated to a home here in Africa or Iran

(by Julian Lofts)

'Chapo' Guzmán threatens war on ISIS after terrorists destroy drug shipment

(Fox News)

Photo: Day Donaldson

'Chapo' Guzmán threatens war on ISIS after terrorists destroy drugs shipment = The answer from the grand narco suzerain to this martyr group is: "Desist, pests!"

(by Jason Lofts)

There is no internet censorship in China, says China's top censor

(Hong Kong Free Press)

Photo: Lisa Williams

There is no internet censorship in China says a top censor = Chinese are not intent on repression? Shh! It's a conspiracy.

(by Julian Lofts)

Islamophobia and Donald Trump Are No Laughing Matter

(Huffington Post)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Donald Trump is no longer a laughing matter = Dump that illegal, dangerous, ranting moron!

(by Jason Lofts)

Donald Trump blasts 'ungrateful' Scots politicians

(Financial Times)

Photo: Peter Stevens

Donald Trump blasts 'ungrateful' Scots politicians = Scotland dumps 'bigot' for an insult. Racist all upset!

(by Jason Lofts)

Witnesses Thought Art Basel Stabbing Was Performance Art

(Huh Magazine)

Photo: Achim Hepp

Art Basel = Real stab

(by Jason Lofts)

Josh Earnest: Trump’s Toxic Rhetoric Is Disqualifying

(Bloomberg)

Caricature: DonkeyHotey

Toxic rhetoric = Rich, exotic rot!

(by Julian Lofts)

British, French leaders join world condemnation of Trump's proposed ban on Muslims entering US

(Washington Post)

Photo: cool revolution

British, French leaders join world condemnation of Trump's proposed ban on Muslims entering US

=

One loon off his chump? Sneering snarler's Mr Trump! Bad-worst noisiest loon I'd bin, reject, and dump!

(by Maurice Goddard)

First US penis transplants planned to help wounded vets

(CBS News)

Photo: thinkpanama

First US penis transplants planned to help wounded vets = Vet's new donor phallus stands up in resplendent fat tips!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Selena Gomez Flaunts Sexy Lingerie In New Music Video

(Hollywood Life)

Selena Gomez flaunts sexy lingerie in new music video = Come view singer - is one stunningly sexualized female!

(by Jason Lofts)

The US Army certifies its first woman combat engineer

(Christian Science Monitor)

Photo: AP

The US Army certifies its first woman combat engineer = Or, GIs eye sweet firm bust, feminine charms & attraction!

(by Maurice Goddard)

Chocolate Putin in Russia

(Baltimore Sun)

Put cochineal into ~ Putin in chocolate

(by Julian Lofts)

Bud Weisser, 19, accused of trespassing at Budweiser brewery

(Fox8)

Photo: Jarod Carruthers

Bud Weisser accused of trespassing at Budweiser brewery=Trespasser defies guard by curbside, "'Cause, we own its brew!"

(by Dharam)

Oscar Pistorius convicted of murder as appeals court overturns earlier conviction

(CNN)

Photo: Global Panorama

Amputee athlete Oscar Leonard Carl Pistorius = A "toilet murderer" has lost case in appeal court

(by Jason Lofts)

Which Bond film is best? The definitive 007 film ranking - from awful to awesome

(Digital Spy)

Photo: Dan Zen

A Long List of All of The James Bond Movies Permutated Into Actors and Their Parts, Filmmakers and Other References 1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service 2. Casino Royale 3. From Russia With Love 4. Goldfinger 5. GoldenEye 6. The Spy Who Loved Me 7. Skyfall 8. Dr No 9. Live And Let Die 10. The Living Daylights 11. Spectre 12. Licence to Kill 13. You Only Live Twice 14. For your Eyes Only 15. Thunderball 16. Moonraker 17. Tomorrow Never Dies 18. The Man With the Golden Gun 19. Quantum of Solace 20. The World Is Not Enough 21. Octopussy 22. A View To A Kill 23. Diamonds Are Forever 24. Die Another Day

=

1. Diana Rigg 2. Tumescent Daniel Craig, talented Eva Green, Le Chiffre 3. The Lektor device, stuntmen 4. We liked the feisty Ms Pussy Galore 5. Colonel Ourumov 6. Toothy Jaws (Richard Kiel) 7. Foe Javier Bardem stood out. Severine 8. Tanned Ursula Andress 9. Solitaire 10. Timothy Dalton 11. Weedy Whishaw's the new 'Q' 12. The smooth Pierce Brosnan 13. (Fifth Sean Connery film). Dikko Henderson 14. 'M' 15. Fiona Volpe 16. Holly Goodhead 17. Elliot Carver 18. Roger Moore 19. Elvis 20. Dr Molly Warmflash 21. General Orlov 22. Silicon Valley 23. Plenty O'Toole 24. Counterspy Frost. Outdated misogyny.

(by Julian Lofts)

Notable Quotes from Oscar Pistorius judgment

(Times Live)

"This case involves a human tragedy of Shakespearean proportions: a young man overcomes huge physical disabilities to reach Olympian heights as an athlete; in doing so he becomes an international celebrity; he meets a young woman of great natural beauty and a successful model; romance blossoms; and then, ironically on Valentine's Day, all is destroyed when he takes her life." = Synonymous for the sensational murder story of the South African Paralympian Oscar Pistorius, an obsessed, testy macho ape who deliberately shot and killed his glamorous blonde fiancee Reeva Steenkamp at home one evening. Alas, she dies in agony. He claimed he thought it was someone (a burglar?) concealed in the lavatory. In essence, a chillingly nauseating act by an evil man.

"The accused's conviction and sentence on count 1 are set aside and replaced with the following: 'Guilty of murder with the accused having had criminal intent in the form of dolus eventualis'" = News: The South African court's now convinced Oscar Pistorius' evidence was untruthful and invented. The cold athlete gloatingly eliminated his graceful fiancee. I'd condemn him to death!

(by Jason Lofts)

Does toast REALLY land butter-side down? See mini scientists bust popular myth

(The Daily Mirror)

Food science: Does toast REALLY land butter-side down? = No, not as oft. See, we did a controlled bread slice study

(by Jason Lofts)

Pencil shortage rocks japan's anime sector

(MSN)

Photo: Kristen McQuillin

Pencil shortage rocks japan's anime sector ~ concerns graphic kanji set; some are postal.

(by Russ Atkinson)

Clean energy technologies

(E15 Initiative)

Photo: Håkan Dahlström

Clean energy technologies = Selecting "green". Hey, no coal!

(by Julian Lofts)

Cameron accuses Corbyn of being 'terrorist sympathiser'

(The Guardian)

Photo: The Weekly Bull

Cameron accuses Corbyn of being 'terrorist sympathiser' = Recite grim, crass nonsense; cry 'bomb the crap out of Syria'

(by Chris Sturdy)

Tattoos are replacing engagement rings for good

(The Times of India)

Photo: Nicole Andres

Tattoos are replacing engagement rings for good = Get a tag, a meager consort's logo, printed on finger

(by Mark McNamara)

The Statue Of Liberty 'Based On A Muslim Woman'

(Huffington Post)

Photo: PicselPerfect

The Statue of Liberty based on a Muslim woman = Monument shows Arab female beauty, it is told

(by Jason Lofts)