Ringo Starr Will Be Knighted in 2018

(Pitchfork)

O, Richard Starkey, the Beatles' "Ringo ~ Starr" is knighted. Celebrate. Hooray!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Rob DiCaterino

When Britain worked for free: How the I'm Backing Britain campaign descended into farce

(The Daily Express)

I offer their reward be known ~ when Britain worked for free

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: Sludge G

Five ways Stephen Hawking has predicted the end of the world

(The Daily Mirror)

Five ways that the theoretical physicist, cosmologist and researcher Mister Stephen Hawking has predicted that the world may end, unfortunately 1. Robots 2. Overpopulation 3. Fireball 4. Nuclear warfare 5. President Donald Trump

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Prevent: 1. Shrewd AI 2. Far too many wretched bloody people 3. Climate worsens - the Earth will heat up 4. Dastardly uncompromising belligerents North Korea, Russia, China rift, threaten universe 5. That fat, addled, psychotic fart POTUS

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Karen Portin

White "Nigerian Prince" Email Scammer Arrested in Louisiana

(The Root)

"Nigerian Prince" email scammer arrested in Louisiana = An American male aiding serious criminal enterprise

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Bryan Rosengrant

Cardboard tents distributed to Brussels homeless

(BBC)

These cardboard tents are donated to homeless in Brussels = Made all the terse hoboes resent sodden cartons. It's absurd.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: loljon981

Nikki Haley seemingly tricked by Russian pranksters into commenting on fictional country 'Binomo'

(The Independent)

This deceptive 'Binomo' caper annoys the female ~ American envoy. Inept dope botches it. Flee sham.

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Chinese mall unveils #TrumpDog statue to celebrate Lunar New Year

(The Guardian)
Embed from Getty Images

Re: The Chinese New Year TrumpDog = "We're tough archenemy, President."

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Here's where special counsel Robert Mueller's Russia probe stands heading into 2018

(CNBC)

Here's where Mueller's Russia probe stands heading into 2018 from CNBC.

The special counsel Robert Swan Mueller = None will cheer Trump's electoral abuses

Anagram: Jason Lofts

Towering Penis Painting In New York Made People Uncomfortable, So It's Gone

(The International Business Times)

Lower East Side giant penis mural = Prudes resist male genitalia, won

Anagram: Jason Lofts

'MORTAL SIN for many' Finnish MP says EU still can't believe UK voted to leave its UTOPIA

(The Daily Express)

A 'MORTAL SIN for many' = Story on 'Animal Farm'

Anagram: Robert Jordan

Israel plans a Trump rail station as Trump-naming frenzy sweeps country

(CNN)

Trump rail station ~ is ultra important

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Mike Maguire

Dennis the Menace gets "PC makeover" with name change and soft personality

(The Daily Express)

Dennis the Menace gets PC makeover = Comic kept Gnasher, made seventeen!

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: H is for Home

FBI "taint"

(ABC News)

FBI "taint" ~ 't ain't FBI!

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: JDSG

America is great again, says Donald Trump

(The Times)

"America is great again," says Donald Trump = Mad pig : "Yes, USA AAA credit rating's normal"

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: IoSonoUnaFotoCamera

'Boys don't wear dresses' - Lewis Hamilton under fire for remark to nephew

(Newshub)

Let us boo at Lewis Hamilton, the macho F1 champion = Hmm, 1 tacit homophobe. Oh, we call out infantile ass.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Steve

Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny barred from standing against Vladimir Putin

(The Daily Telegraph)

Alexei Navalny is the Russian opposition leader = Oh, alas, I see a loony President Putin nixes a rival.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Vladimir Varfolomeev

Inside the weird world of conspiracy theorists convinced the Earth is HOLLOW with "alien" humans and Nazis living inside

(The Sun)

Inane conspiracy theory says that Earth is hollow = Ay, how astrophysically coherent or insane is that?!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Wikimedia

NORAD Santa Tracker 2017 LIVE: Find out where Father Christmas is right now as he arrives in the UK

(The Daily Mirror)

The NORAD tracker uses artificial intelligence to discover Santa = Strove to calculate site of St Nick, reindeer and a sleigh cart in air.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Newtown grafitti

Health and safety GONE MAD: Father Christmas BANNED

(The Daily Express)

Ah dang, the toys an elf made = Health and safety gone mad

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: Matti Mattila

Gift-wrapped manure addressed to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin

(CBS News)

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin ~ is sent very nasty ecru manure. Retch!

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: DonkeyHotey

At least 10,000 killed at Tiananmen Square, secret cable claims

(The Independent)

Re: toll - criminal event's quite a debacle, a tank massacre to repress ~ over 10,000 protesters killed at Tiananmen Square, a secret cable claims.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Francis Mariani

Pot for pets: Could medical marijuana help your dog?

(BBC)

Canines, cats battle arthritis, mental issues. Why ~ this TreatWell's cannabis tincture may assist, eh?

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Cool Revolution

'Utterly absurd!' Lib Dem BASHES 'ridiculous' Brexiteers for rejoicing over blue passport

(The Daily Express)

Utterly absurd = Rad, trusty blue

Anagram: Robert Jordan

'Remarkable' truffle discovery on Paris rooftop raises hopes of more

(BBC)

One (two?) truffle is growing in Paris rooftop gardens = Fungi grow in Perigord forest, not in a flowerpot, ass!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Björn S.

'Leave is an anagram of evil' Remainer Vince Cable ridiculed

(The Daily Express)

Leave is an anagram of evil ~ as Remain gave a novel fail

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: University of Essex

'Distressed' Princess Michael of Kent apologises for wearing a 'racist' Blackamoor brooch to meet Meghan at the Queen's Christmas lunch and promises to 'retire it'

(Daily Mail)
Embed from Getty Images

Princess Michael of Kent made a worrying booboo = Donning a blackamoor brooch mortifies. Yes, weep.

Anagram: Julian Lofts

Trump ambassador lies about his lies

(DutchReview)

Trump ambassador lies about his lies = Oi! USA bumbler rails past host's media

Anagram: Russ Atkinson

Labour Remainer plot EXPOSED

(The Daily Express)

Labour Remainer plot exposed = All pro-Europe and some Brexit

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: mazz_5

New blue passports

(The Guardian)

New blue passports ~ blown past EU press

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: John Barker

The Miss America Emails: How The Pageant's CEO Really Talks About The Winners

(Huffington Post)

The Miss America emails ~ smear, shame ... it is malice

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Disney | ABC

Iranian scholar sentenced to death

(Nature)

Iranian scholar sentenced to death ~ and I intoned, "He's teacher, not rascal."

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: Massimiliano D

Mike Pence says Donald Trump has 'fulfilled miracles' in gushing two-minute eulogy, as President looks on

(The Independent)

"I'm deeply humbled, as your Vice President, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, Mr President, and because of the strong support of the leadership in the Congress of the United States, you're delivering on that middle-class miracle."
=
Yes, there's heated disbelief as cheesy Pence celebrates the President in a lengthy, florid address on television as beautiful, beloved, generous, good, heroic, honest, ideal, incredible Trump (echoes of Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump...). Bastard, yahoo!

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Stephen Melkisethian

The Highest-Paid Athletes Of All Time

(Forbes)

The Latest Forbes List of the Richest Professional Athletes of All Time 1. Michael "Air" Jordan 2. Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods 3. Arnold Palmer 4. Jack "Golden Bear" Nicklaus 5. Michael Schumacher 6. Phil Alfred Mickelson 7. David Beckham 8. Kobe Bean Bryant 9. Floyd "Money" Mayweather 10. Shaquille O'Neal

=

1. We hail a basketball folklore hero. He has Olympic gold medal 2. Player... likes golf 3. Same (deceased) 4. Won 18 majors 5. Formula One. Head injury victim 6. Nonconformist "Lefty" 7. Deft soccer striker 8. LA Lakers NBA champion enthralled 9. Ban that sick, hotheaded, criminal 'bitch beater' 10. He's quite tall.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: TJ Hawk

US military preparing 'bloody nose' attack on North Korea

(New York Post)

US military preparing 'bloody nose' attack on North Korea = Or paranoid Trump's yearning to shock Korean boy a little

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Daniel Arrhakis

Sarah Palin's son charged with domestic assault on father

(BBC)

Track is the criminal son of Sarah Palin = Prison, a manacle, for this rascal, I think

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Mario Piperni

Twitter Bans Some White Supremacists and Other Extremists

(Bloomberg)

Twitter bans some white supremacists and other extremists = It started with racist Trump who's been a sex monster, it seems

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Backbone Campaign

"Water Cremation" Becoming More Popular

(Healthline)

American wet rot = Water cremation

Anagram: Robert Jordan
Image: JLS Photography

The Vatican bans sales of saints' body parts, including hair strands and teeth, to stop them being sold for thousands on online auctions

(Daily Mail)

No, relics of saints are~n't for sale is scenario

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Alex Drop

Trump administration bans CDC from using these seven words

(New York Post)

CDC is banned from using words or phrases: vulnerable, entitlement, diversity, transgender, fetus, evidence-based, and science-based = Relentless, disgraceful conservative Trump interferes and succeeds in condemning these: "Bad. Bad. Bad. Very bad!" It's weird nonsense!

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: FolsomNatural

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, power behind the throne

(BBC)

The Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman = Muslim monarch-to-be, an admired chap in news

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: James N. Mattis

Trump calls conduct at the FBI "disgraceful" in latest criticism of bureau

(Washington Post)

The President said "It's a shame what's happened with the FBI... We're going to rebuild the FBI, it'll be bigger and better than ever. But it is very sad when you look at those documents, and how they've done that is really, really disgraceful, and you have a lot of very angry people that are seeing it."
=
However, I theorise that bighead Flynn, egregious Gates, hotheaded Manafort, testy Priebus, the effete son-in-law Kushner and the dastardly States' Republican Party obeyed vile hotheaded windbag Trump and I bet they are all very guilty in collaborating with the evil Soviets. Whoopee!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Daniel Arrhakis

Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Are Having 'Sexual Interactions' With Deer

(National Public Radio)

Scientists say Japanese monkeys are having 'sexual interactions' with deer = I see producer Harvey Weinstein staining Salma Hayek's jeans in sex acts. OTT!

Anagram: Jason Lofts

Omarosa Manigault Newman to Leave White House Job Next Month

(The New York Times)

Omarosa Manigault Newman = A true woman among animals

Anagram: Pinchas Aronas
Image: gonycmagazine

President Trump claims the FBI is tainted and its reputation in tatters

(Washington Post)

US President claims the FBI is tainted and its reputation in tatters = A terse incipient liar (Don Trump, isn't it?) states that Fed unit's biased

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Molly Adams

Roy Moore again refuses to concede, saying 'immorality sweeps over our land'

(Chicago Tribune)

"We are indeed in a struggle to preserve our republic, our civilisation and our religion and to set free a suffering humanity. Today, we no longer recognise the universal truth that God is the author of our life and liberty. Abortion, sodomy and materialism have taken the place of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
=
Roy Moore, thirty-something deputy DA living in Gadsen, Alabama, preferred to pursue beautiful naive teenagers he found in the local mall. It is understood he endeavoured, a priori while erect, to get fearful young virgins to strip off their clothes and lose their raw inhibitions. Not okay as a future Republican senator!

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: FolsomNatural

Walt Disney buys Murdoch's Fox for $52bn

(BBC)

Rupert Murdoch's a billionaire = Rich sellout! Media baron "I purr"

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: sⓘndy°

Five naked people in car crash

(Mercury News)

Five naked kidnappers in car crash = Frank Canadians shiver, dip pecker

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: Ben Ostrowsky

Harvey Weinstein Is My Monster Too

(The New York Times)

"What is important is to believe in something so strongly that you're never discouraged" -The Mexican actress Salma Hayek
=
Sometimes I imagine loathsome producer Harvey Weinstein constantly urging her to stay late, have hot sex. Sick bastard!

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: alien_artifact

Omarosa Manigault Newman forced out of White House, sources say

(NBC News)

Former "Apprentice" star Omarosa Manigault Newman = Great moron Trump fires a pleasant American woman

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: TJ Hawk

Roy Moore Loses, Sanity Reigns

(The New York Times)

1. Contest in Alabama 2. The Democrat Doug Jones wins 3. The Republican Roy Moore loses

=

1. Bout incenses maniac Trump. 2. Senator! 3. One good ol' boy's a child molester, a Jew hater.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Thomas Cizauskas

Roy Moore: The eyes of the world are on Alabama election

(BBC)

American Senate candidate who believes that homosexuality should be illegal, Muslims should be banned from serving in Congress and the last time America was great was when there was slavery
=
Why he's an extreme evangelical "distinguished" southerner Roy Moore from Alabama. TV news state what an abusive, lewd, crass, diabolical, shameless, and bungling child molester he was. A tense time!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: FolsomNatural

Magpie swoops in to claim victory as Australia's Bird of the Year

(Stuff.co.nz)

The native magpie has swooped in to claim victory as Australia's Bird of the Year = Ovation as Trump gets award for America's vilest philistine. Hey yahoo, abdicate!

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: LLE Photography

The Grand Tour season 2: Fans left "shaken" as Richard Hammond's 'brutal' car crash airs

(The Daily Express)

The Grand Tour season two = To stage on-road news hurt

Anagram: Robert Jordan

Chuck Schumer's Daughter Breaking Silence About Dad's Affair With A High School Cheerleader Is Fake News

(Business 2 Community)

"My dad is being a hypocrite and that's why I'm speaking out. When I was in high school he dated my best friend Rebecca and even got her pregnant twice. He paid for her abortions twice and spent a ton of money on her at Steak and Shake and Victoria's Secret. She fell in love with him and he broke her heart. My Mom paid her to be quiet and go away. Three years later she committed suicide."
=
What the ....? Okay, it's entertaining (ha ha), however quite definitely fake news concerning Democrat NY Senator Chuck E. Schumer. He does not have a child named Lisa and he did not behave like this. What I'd describe it as is a highly intense, contemporary media myth, whereby a wretched weirdo has attempted to report embarrassing propaganda, hoping to shame somebody for benefit.

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Propublica

Jerusalem: Trump's envoy Haley berates 'outrageous UN hostility'

(BBC)

One heavily kinky ~ envoy Nikki Haley

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Gage Skidmore

"Lead us not into temptation" not appropriate translation, Pope says

(Punch)

"And lead us not into temptation" (Lord's Prayer) ~ orated Donald Trump passionately to intern

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: Stephen Melkisethian

All Cryptocurrencies

(Coin Market Cap)

Cryptocurrencies = Up? Eccentric, sorry.

Anagram: Julian Lofts
Image: Duncan Rawlinson

Garrison Keillor

(Washington Post)

Garrison Keillor ~ Lookin' girl's rear

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: Michael O'Brien

Southern California's wildfires

(CNN)

Southern California's wildfires = It's unfair news; locals horrified

Anagram: Russ Atkinson
Image: Los Angeles Fire Department

The Kremlin Asset in the Trump Campaign: "If This Isn't Collusion, I Don't Know What Collusion Is."

(Vanity Fair)

Presidential campaign collusion with the Kremlin = I called it scheme linking amoral person with Putin

Anagram: Jason Lofts
Image: FolsomNatural